Come again?

"The quote book is very important."

Oh great, I'll probably get a flesh-eating face virus. Those are the worst.

May 18, 2012

I think the squirrels ate all my tulip bulbs. Bastards.

May 11, 2012

The screaming is in context.

May 11, 2012

That would include parts I'm not comfortable consuming.

May 9, 2012

It isn't hard: be annoying.

May 9, 2012

Then we put them upside down in the Cone of Silence.

May 7, 2012

I forget these things... alright?

May 4, 2012

Why would I want to wipe my nose with a thorn?

May 4, 2012

I bet there's a whole subculture of guys who like... felonious ladies.

May 3, 2012

I have the song "Dr. Love" stuck in my head. That's not a good one to have stuck in your head, because it doesn't go anywhere.

May 3, 2012

Contemplating a future state—that's what we do.

May 2, 2012

She wouldn't go into battle wearing a bikini. In fact, she zips up to go into battle.

May 2, 2012

"First you're playing ping pong with other people, then you're having lunch with ping-pong people."

May 2, 2012

I had to listen to Pink Floyd to get that Jack Johnson song out of my head... but it's not working.

May 2, 2012

Having short hair doesn't mean you have less of it.

May 1, 2012

Women with Cure tattoos do not lead you wrong.

April 18, 2012

My mind is typically in the gutter.

April 17, 2012

Patrick Bateman should not be the example for any of your examples.

April 13, 2012

I don't trust heat.

April 9, 2012

I have experienced eggs.

March 23, 2012

But what makes you funny?

March 16, 2012

I'm almost positive I would be violent.

March 16, 2012

I would be like Michael Scott if I wasn't aware of what I was saying. I'm very aware of what I'm saying.

March 8, 2012

Cherry cordials are one of God's health foods.

February 17, 2012

I'll take a fist bump over a butt smack any day.

February 16, 2012